David Jockelson

New Scientist has an article in February 18 edition on Prolonged Grief Disorder giving details of the neurology of this condition. It seemed to be fairly interesting but not helpful.

I wrote to them today 21 February:

Your article on this subject is simply descriptive.  In terms of how people can be helped: after 25 years as a bereavement counsellor, as well as a general psychotherapist, I see many problematic bereavements as being situations where people’s response is one of a response to a trauma – ie  a threat response – with the classic Freeze, Fight, Flight, Flirt, Search. They act as if it is a problem that can be solved or a situation that can be reversed.

This is most obviously true in the case of obviously traumatic deaths but in fact can be true of almost all deaths – because, leaving aside individual vulnerabilities, as a culture we have such ordinary power to fix problems and we are so unused to the reality of death and our powerlessness. 

The real skill lies in both helping clients identify and reduce the somatic aspects of their threat responses and gently helping them to identify the inappropriateness of that threat response, effectively the futility of it,  and moving on to the necessary simple, deep sadness and acceptance which can evolve into a form of bitter / sweet nostalgia.

David Jockelson. MBACP (Acred).  Counsellor, therapist, trainer

Settling in. 5 minutes. Encouraging Participation. Check who has been to such workshops before. And what they remember.

What are people doing now? Gym, Running, Walking – in nature – Swimming especially wild water, Meditation, Pilates, Yoga. Massage? What Books, podcasts, TikTok? What has helped?  

Start: We only remember two or three things from a lecture or workshop. You’re very clever – so you get four. Oh – Is that stressful? ie do you have Fear of Failure? You won’t keep track or remember?  Don’t panic; there’s this note available here – in person and online via email and on my blog / website. [Yes this is it.]  

First idea: “stress” as a deeply unhelpful word / concept.  A: It implies it’s Automatic “I have a Stressful job – therefore I’m stressed”. So it’s inevitable? That’s pretty hopeless then.

But B: “Yes,it’s stressful because it’s a Very Important Job.” It’s all a High Status show here. Let’s be proud and even boast about how stressed / important we are.

If so where’s any real motivation to change?  If relaxing is seen as being low status, weak, lazy, vulnerable, then we’re not making progress. We are stuck.

Contrast that with painful honesty – and an examination of what “stress” actually means – yes – Shock horror – actually name Emotions.  ie anxiety, frustration, sadness.  Or in tougher, more honest language – Fear. Anger. Depression. Exhaustion.  Nobody is boasting or proud about having Fear or Anger. 

Second idea: That honesty means we can look at the impact of the stressful demanding job and the Fear, Anger and exhaustion:  Answer: The classic Threat responses: Freeze, Fight, Flight, Fawn, Search etc.

Search leads to hyper-vigilance – which is professionally great. Spotting vital details, weaknesses in a case. But it leads to more anxiety – spotting and overreacting to negatives. Obsessing.  Overthinking. Not stopping at the end of work. Familiar? Needs …. wine? or distractions?

Third idea: The body responds, it reflects the fear and anger, holds it and feeds it back to the brain: 

Explore the impact on body. Firstly of the Freeze reflex: Immediate shallow breathing, body tension and poor posture.

Less visible in a chronic Threat response is damage to Fascia. Inflammation. Autoimmune. Heart. Cancer.

So there’s a simple vicious circle here. Threat > fear > body response > hyper-vigilence > overthinking > more perception of threat.

Fourth idea: Solutions:  

1. Talk it through. Share it. A trouble shared is a trouble halved.  Obviously great. General honesty, use of language with colleagues, friends, home support. Counselling or therapy. Journaling.

2. And the simplest immediate shortcut:  Undo the body response, break the feedback loop / vicious circle: Breathing and stretching.

5 minutes on breathing – hand as mirror. Experiment with different forms of emotional breathing and then actually do some for several minutes.

5 minutes on exploring Stretching and bending and holding the fascia stretch.

5 minutes wind down and how are we going to use this in future. Diet. Vitamins. Iron. Exercise .

Please complete the Feedback sheet. Thanks. David Jockelson.

I’m often invited to run a Wellbeing workshop. People say they are looking forward to something nice and relaxing. No. If you were hoping for a comfortable, upbeat encouraging talk – sorry, this is tougher love than that.

Why? This Well-being type of workshop actually starts with reciting all the bad things about being a judge – but it’s not hopeless – we cover that before we move onto what can be done to protect us from those things and to survive and even thrive.

I am taking this approach because my experience as a therapist has taught me that the way to deal with past negative experiences (now increasingly referred to as ACEs Adverse Childhood Experiences ) is to realise that the problems they cause are enormously exacerbated and exaggerated when, as they so often are minimised, denied, covered up, over adjusted to – and that covering up in fact makes them far worse.

The obvious analogy is a physical the wound that is bandaged and covered up too much and air-tightly with the result that it does not heal but remains and may become infected even gangrenous – and can poison the whole body.

Then the job of the therapist and their client is skilfully and patiently opening and unpeeling the bandages, draining the pus , exposing the wound to the air and sun for natural healing to take place.

That is true of post traumatic stress issues but in fact you are having the experience of current stress traumatic stress. And if you think that saying that debases the power of the word “trauma“ then follow the current trend of referring to “Big T trauma“ for assaults, kidnap, rape et cetera and accept that trauma simply means wounds or threats of wounds. And you are certainly experiencing those on a daily basis.

So they therefore need to be fully acknowledged. And the impact and consequences on you need to be explored and acknowledged before turning to the many steps that can most usefully be taken to reduce the damaging effects.

Fortunately, in identifying the negatives, we have the generally excellent and apparently internationally unique survey in the UK Judicial Attitude Survey 2024 which I will explore with you. And I will hopefully extend that, picking up issues and challenges that the Survey has overlooked but which are very real and have been reported to me in the many discussions I’ve had with judges

So let’s honestly, and in a way which may initially be quite depressing, talk about A: what a really tough job it is being a judge and possibly how disillusioning.

But crucially – the double whammy – the cover up: B. Repression  The real harm and damage that is done when you’re not supposed to complain or to admit weakness or humanity.

That taboo on admitting to others is suppression. When you don’t admit it to yourself that is repression and where the real invisible harm is done.   

Denial. Professionalism. Stoicism. Let’s acknowledge and even value the fact that these are absolutely necessary to function as a judge but essentially they are forms of dishonesty.  Pretending. Inauthenticity. Self-control. Superhuman is inhuman, anti-human.  Damaging – or it can be damaging. So let’s practice some brutal honesty.  

A:  The experience of being a judge.  First the bad news.

The UK Judicial Attitude Survey is a brilliant effort, world leading apparently. But “Attitude” ?! Curious wording? Shouldn’t it be called the judicial experience survey?

https://www.judiciary.uk/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/Published_2024JAS_EnglandWales_UKTribunals.pdf

The executive summary is six pages and there are a couple of online super-short summaries of about a page each like: https://www.rightsnet.org.uk/now/post/61476

From the outset, a weakness of the summary is that it rolls up symptoms and causes in one narrative. So – let’s separate them here:

 Symptoms: 

Judicial stress levels. Only 1% of salary judges reported no stress! And symptoms include sleep disturbance, irritability, headaches, burnout, sense of isolation, intolerance of others and stomach upsets. 32% – 46% report extreme stress. 15% – 18% said they had taken time off work for stress.

Australian research in 2021 may be relevant for us – it revealed that while one in three judges and magistrates used alcohol at a “problematic level”, those rates were similar to those reported in the legal profession as a whole – with the implication that that’s OK? https://pursuit.unimelb.edu.au/articles/wellbeing-survey-of-australia-s-judiciary-reveals-risk-of-distress-and-burnout 

Disillusionment. An increase in judges are planning to leave in spite of the prohibition on future employment  ”A looming retention and recruitment crisis…”  Which of course increases pressure on the existing pool of judges.

Causes: 

I have summarised them as eight demands or challenges and added five more that are not in the survey but that I have been told about in many discussions with judges.  I divide the 14 into 1-13:  the challenging employment situation.  And 14:  the traumatising content of the work.   

1. Physical safety. A whole new source of anxiety. A different sort of stress – we really need to acknowledge the huge difference in the nature of the threat – from the abstract, academic, intellectual demands and threats that we are used to dealing with and we’re trained to deal with – from one of actual physical bodily attack. For which most people are not prepared and which digs deep -neurologically – and triggers the amygdala. https://www.simplypsychology.org/amygdala.html

And we will be looking at the impact of that next after listing all the other bad stuff about being a judge.

A very high figure of judges in the Survey, 69%, reported concerns about the lack of security measures in court

2. Bullying within the judiciary with a reported increase up to 14% and discrimination at 6% primarily based on sex, race or disability.   Key fact that over 2/3 did not report this bullying. Excuse me if I am naive but I find it really shocking that judges, who should be the champions of fairness and justice actually bully other judges! Maybe this is so shocking that it is taboo to talk about?

Link this bullying to general Judgitis. So there is hostility to litigants and representatives but also to other judges.  The abuse of power.  A whole subject for discussion?

3. Frustration with delays.  Lawyers, LAs and experts. The increase in Self- representing litigants. See 11 below.

4. Pay. Has declined in real terms and does not match the responsibilities. Fee paid judges say they do not get enough work.

5. Decline in respect for judges, indeed for the rule of law – by some of the public, definitely by the press and by the government. Enemy of the people. Destruction of judicial independence. Naked manipulation by government. Removal of Mr Justice Chamberlain. Criticism of judgements by the PM – a lawyer!   Removal of trial by jury. Judges in the firing line.   Authoritarian personalities have big problems with authority – if applied to them.   Partygate.  Corruption in business, government, church.  The royal family.   

Pressure from our system – 26 weeks. Pressure on reducing experts versus need for experts eg Hammersmith case Re G.

6. Shocking condition of court buildings. Not true of this court as far as I’m aware.

7.  What is clearly some degree of suspicion about how leadership roles are allocated and lack of time to carry out leadership roles once they are in post.

8. Modern working. Digital  Remote working   Other information I gathered from my speaking confidentially with many judges is the comment, especially for the older ones, “this is not a job I signed up for”. In particular, at various times and in various different forms of court, dissatisfaction with remote working. “Dehumanising”. “Working in a call centre.”” Although the Survey reports reasonable levels of satisfaction with the amount of time on remote working

And that is directly linked to serious although diminishing dissatisfaction with the technology. Things are obviously getting slightly better.  Does the new AI assistance really assist?   I really hope so.

Ones I add:

9. Fear of being appealed. Again not publicly admitted. More for the younger judges?

10. Some resentment at the obstacle course to becoming a judge with the humiliation of sitting in a public exam area to get promotion.

11. A phrase not used: Moral injury.  This is a medic’s phrase about when you are made to feel guilty and are blamed for professional shortcomings about what you can do – but which are beyond your control because of lack or resources – like court time.  Guilt and shame. And a huge sense of unfairness. That is so hard when our whole ethic is about fairness. Some notes about counselling and therapy with NHS care staff.

This leads to an another aspect not obvious and not much discussed…. .

12. Powerlessness. To be a judge seems like a move to a position of power. But I have been told that it is also a move from personal independence – being self employed or nearly so and in emotional terms championing clients, even being feisty and defiant ……  to being both neutral, cool and impersonal and also effectively an employee – employed by the government. By faceless, unaccountable officials.   Page 80 in the Survey : Table 10.2: “Reasons fee-paid judiciary would not apply for a salaried post” – the top three were exactly on that subject.

Pressure on targets. 26 weeks.  Pressure to reduce outside experts but them being necessary like in my firm’s Re G – Hammersmith & Fulham [ 2024] EWHC 2200 where the evidence of the expert brought in remotely from America, Professor McCarthy’s, was preferred over Prof Mangham’s evidence and a gross miscarriage of justice was avoided..

13. Isolation.  Page 80 in the Survey : Table 10.2 mentioned above gives Isolation as a serious problem. I would suggest that connects importantly with the next demand:

14.  The traumatising content of the work. Only 38% mention this.  Only 38% ? Types of evidence they have to deal with – 35% salaried   21%  fee paid  26% coroners. 

And the Survey says almost nothing about it.  The written evidence, the photographs, the live evidence, the distress and anger of litigants and of professionals.  Inevitably you can experience – or dangerously try not to experience – shock. Distress. Horror. Disgust. Anger. Sadness.   Vicarious moral injury for social workers and clinicians and Guardians.  

B: Suppression  Repression.

Nauru Declaration.    Justice Rangajeeva Wimalasena, president of the Nauru Court of Appeal.

‘More than anything, I feel a deep sense of hope for all those judges around the world who silently carry their burdens behind the curtain of professionalism, always expected to appear strong, composed, and unbreakable. This day honours their resilience and quiet strength in the face of mounting pressures. It is also a solemn remembrance of those whose stories ended in silence, judges who, overwhelmed by stress and isolation, suffered irreversible psychological tolls and tragically lost their lives.”  

There is no mention of suicide in the Survey although this is highly reported in surveys of the Bar.  

Bullying. https://www.counselmagazine.co.uk/articles/judicial-conduct-when-it-goes-wrong Jo Delahunty. What was being reported from the Bar described conduct from some judges that was highly inappropriate such that it fell within the Acas definition of workplace bullying: “And yet, it is rare that this kind of judicial behaviour is brought to light officially.

“Most of the tweets and emails I received suggested that barristers felt that complaining would harm their career. But there is more to it than that: many of those affected did not share it with anyone because they feel humiliated and professionally and personally crushed.”  For barristers, read judges? And this is confirmed in the Survey.

Repression is internalised suppression and plays out as not taking up the help on offer,  Stoicism becomes masochism.  Stressaholioc.  Self-inflicted stress.  The adrenaline buzz of deadlines. Delaying judgements – until fear of complaints.   

Some good news. 

1. The good news is that almost all judges in the Survey and elsewhere report being satisfied with the sense of achievement they get from the job and the intellectual challenges and they feel valued by judicial colleagues and the legal profession and most of the public.

 2. Honesty around “stress” in the profession is growing but very, very slowly and patchily.  The wonderful Australian Judge, the Honourable Michael Kirby, over 25 years ago broke the taboo on admitting stress.  And by 2024, there was an astonishing 94% response to the Survey. 

That may feed into the issue of isolation. Keeping secretes is isolating and damaging. No apology for “A problem shared is a problem halved” and from the feedback I get this court is far better than many and family judges, mainly female are better than male judges and other areas of law.

On 25 July 2024, the Nauru Declaration on judicial wellbeing was adopted at a landmark conference. For that reason, the day was declared International Day for Judicial Wellbeing by the UN. (Talking of patchy progress – that was rejected by the Lady Chief Justice who basically said we have our own systems which are enough.  She mentions helplines. They are used by 2% of people in distress.)

3.  But there is growing  honesty and accuracy about Stress in society generally. Please see my website.  Drop the word “Stress” and talk about real emotions – fear and anger and sadness and despair.  

4.  That includes talk about the impact of these emotions on the body – and the feedback loop which then occurs in terms of cortisol and adrenalin creating  hyper alertness. That can be really valuable professionally. But tipping into hyper-vigilance means it creates heightened sensitivity and vulnerability to threats. 

So the most important thing in this note is that we then have a Vicious circle: Anxiety > body impact > hyper-vigilance > sensitivity to threat > anxiety.  

Body Impact:  Breathing. Unhealthy shallow breathing.  Bodily posture including fascia. ( Please check out that subject) Resulting inflammation throughout the body and mind which causes real damage. The body speaks back to the mind.

What can we do? How to break the vicious circle? Current short introduction to reducing stress. A three minute read.

Evenings and weekends. Practice breathing and stretching the fascia – the real benefits of yoga and Pilates. Massage. Acupuncture also connect with fascia. moving.  Read the book Move! by Caroline Williams. Walking in nature.  Running. Breathing.   Dancing.   Check out “Age against the machine”. Breathing, Stretching and Bending – the essence of Yoga. Standing poses that you may actually do regularly.

All day, every day at work:  Practice breathing and stretching and moving. No time for Yoga?  Not enough room for Yoga at home?  

 Even in court – “20,20,20” = Every 20 minutes spend  20 seconds looking at something (preferably round and colourful) 20 metres away and include that in having breaks.  Set a (quiet) timer.  Hydrate.

5. Talk. Share. Escape the secrets and damaging isolation – talk and share with colleagues or others who really understand. And learn to listen…. not a widely practised skill.

7. If Powerlessness is a central issue with attendant Frustration. Then what is a form of healthy power? Suggestions: Gardening, artistic creativity. Making music, Writing. Journaling . Helping others. Time with loved ones.

And healthy comfort: Familiar books.  Pleasure not as anaesthetic. Humour. Laughter is the best  …..

8. This is a really challenging one: Explore and appreciate the significance of our reasons for being family lawyers. Our histories – our ACEs. Which lead to our great sensitivity and possible empathy. That is great and / but it also creates great vulnerability to vicarious trauma impacts. This is another thing that is again denied, possibly also unconscious.  See the very challenging article on the website. Why are we so stressed? Why are we family lawyers anyway?Article in the Christmas Edition of Family Affairs, the journal of the Family Law Bar Association

This is a note that I have prepared hoping that it may be useful to bereaved people and to those supporting them, including my colleagues. I would appreciate any feedback that people would like to give. davidjockelson@gmail.com

There is also a very short article in the form of a letter to New Scientist: Successful bereavement processing can be blocked by our trauma responses.

This article is about a twenty minute read. That is usually considered to be too long for a blog or website. So I open with a summary:

1. Bereavements are often much more complicated and chaotic than people expect – so they are shocked and confused.

2. Recovery takes far longer than people expect or society expects: for someone very close and important, it’s not a few weeks or months. One or two years is necessary.

3. Some losses are particularly hard to process and it is good to understand why and be compassionate including with oneself as the bereaved: In this article I explore the fact that bereavement can become problematic and stuck if the loss is complex, premature, unexpected, traumatic, ones involving violence and pain. Very long drawn out ones. And ones without good support after the death.

4. With enough support and with a realistic expectation of time it is possible to arrive at a mellow grief. Sad but calm and valuing what you had together. Nostalgia can be a good word and a safe emotional place.

————————————————- ——————————————-

1. Bereavements are often much more complicated and chaotic than people expect – so they are shocked and confused.

It may seem obvious to say that people who are bereaved are usually devastated and profoundly sad.

However, they are often surprised and shocked that they do not simply have grief but there are huge complications in the experience of bereavement.

For many there is a whirling experience of emotions that are madly mixed and frequently changing: People can be desperately sad sometimes of course but maybe at other times quite numb, detached and not feeling any emotions at all. And that can make people feel ashamed and guilty.

Then there can be experiences of anger, anxiety, boredom, guilt, coldness and many other emotions. And even moments of happiness and peace – which then ironically sometimes triggers further guilt.

These sudden changes in emotions can be a major source of confusion.

One result is that there is an additional layer of emotions about this surprising confusion. People ask themselves “Is this normal? What’s wrong? Am I going mad? Am I doing something wrong? Will this pain and confusion continue or even get worse? How long is this going to last?”

And people often reach out for some certainties – some structure. And grasp such ideas as Kubler Ross’s five stages of grief: Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance.

However this is often not very useful. That model was originally not formulated for bereavement but for dealing with a terminal illness. She later accepted that they are not actually sequential stages and that not everyone has all of the emotions. So there isn’t much structure left.

What can help? I find that paradoxically, rather than offering simplistic general formulas or structures, people are more helped by some careful observations about the very complexities of bereavement that are so confusing.

First simply to acknowledge the situation as described above. And to share that shock and bewilderment honestly with others and learn that it is normal and not pathological.

2. Secondly to understand about the time aspect.

In our modern culture we have a totally unreasonable and inhuman attitude to the timing of grief. A week’s compassionate leave if you’re lucky symbolises that. “Back to work and back to normal” is the message. So people are disturbed and given additional stress when they are in shock and grief for weeks and months.

If they go to their GP saying they are still in pain and crying after some weeks or months, they may be diagnosed with pathological grief and given medication.

Medication has its place but it’s more likely to be used if the expectation is for an unrealistically quick return to normal and the pain of grief is not properly shared and is seen as something simply wrong.

It is often better to refer to other cultural norms including the Victorian one. There the first year was one of deep mourning with attendant rituals and conventions as to dress code and restricted socialising. And the second year being less deep mourning. And the end of the second year signalled a return to more normal life.

Another way of experiencing this is that the first year is now often a time of acute, biting pain but also of some distracting activity with the funeral and probate and intense family interactions.

The second year is often also very hard to endure with a long, cold emptiness and the painful ache of the fact they have gone and coming finally to believe and accept they are not coming back.

I have found that having a more realistic timescale like this has been very helpful to many clients – in terms of helping with realism of their expectations and reducing their frustration and anxiety about the slow progress of their grieving.

Another image that people say they have found most useful is comparing a bereavement with a non-fatal and recoverable stroke. 

Being very close to someone is to have a part of your brain dedicated to them, focused on them, to some degree enmeshed with them.   For that person to die, to cease to exist, is like damage to that bit of the brain. 

And it is well known that the brain can repair itself after a stroke  – to some degree and sometimes completely. The brain is flexible and plastic and neurones can grow around the damaged area. 

Recovery may take months or years and this is generally understood and to some degree accepted.

And there is nothing directly we can do to speed that up.  But skilful work around a bereavement can be the equivalent to brain and body stroke recovery exercises.  And talking  and being with friends and supporters is the key aspect of that.  

To make progress is not betrayal.

It is useful to acknowledge the fact that a very common feeling is that any progress, any reduction in the pain of loss is a betrayal of the person who has died, a letting go of any memory. A fear of further loss.

With talking it through and support, someone can see that moving on out of the early acute pain is not betrayal and does not indicate a forgetting of the person who has died. It is what they would have wanted and it does not represent a loss of their memory.

People have found it useful to see that they can achieve a mellowing of grief and the endpoint can be learning to live with a long, aching Nostalgia; a state which respects the sadness of the loss but is able to let in, value and respect the good memories.

3.. Then it’s useful to say that many generalisations are often misplaced. Every death is different and so every bereaved person is different.

So in fact identifying those differences and how they affect the grief experience is a useful starting point in helping to make sense of the situation for the bereaved person.

I try and explore the differing situation of each client by looking at their bereavement under five headings. And it is noticeable that having this structure is in fact itself often useful for clients as something to hang onto.

First: The nature of the death.

Second: The situation immediately following the death, including the funeral and other rituals.

Third: The ongoing situation of the bereaved person, how their life has changed and the degree of support they have.

Fourth: The emotional state of the bereaved person before the death – both in terms of their long term innate personality and in terms of where they were up to in the immediate time before the death.

Fifth: The relationship the bereaved person had with the one who died.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

1. The first therefore is about the death itself.

It can really help a bereaved person to understand that a bereavement is more problematic if the death has any of the following characteristics:

1.1. Premature – ie of a younger person – whether a child or even an adult younger than the normal age of death.

The emotion that aspect triggers is often a sense of being cheated. The unfairness of it. Hence frustration and anger.

1.2. A traumatic death. This can be simply a sudden, unexpected death. The shock element can put it more into the world of a trauma and we need to see it through that lens – post traumatic reactions.

To some extent these points apply to many or most bereavements – because, even in the most expected deaths, there is an unexpected element of shock. This probably more true than it was in earlier time because we are so unused to death and in denial about it Many people will not have seen someone die or seen a dead body. Previous generations were much more familiar with death.

This can all be exaggerated to a huge, additional degrees of shock in the event of violence – an accident or crime or suicide.

Seeing it as a post-traumatic situation is necessary in order to understand that our reactions will certainly include the familiar but hugely important trauma responses of: Freeze, Fight, Flight, Search.

And the key aspect of this is that these are the well known responses to a Threat. These responses to a threat are totally appropriate and relevant to dealing with a challenge that is present at that moment. But they can block the healthy process of grief and bereavement.

They are the ones that equip somebody to solve a problem or a threat we are facing – to avoid detection, to escape, to fight back or to find a solution.

In all deaths many people will experience those reactions. And the more traumatic the bereavement, the more people will experience all of those reactions. 

It is worth therefore looking at them carefully and see how they play out now: The Freeze reflex is the hardwired reaction to avoid detection by a threatening person or animal. For our purposes it is useful to understand it as emotional freezing. This can lead to the numbness that many people experience – often to their surprise.

The Fight reflex which fuels anger and is often linked to the Search reflex which amounts to a desperate searching for reasons and detailed information about the death.  And, linked with anger, looking for someone to blame. The Flight reflex can sometimes be experienced as depression, running away from the reality and wanting to hide.

These are all hugely important as survival reflexes and therefore millions of years of evolution has ensured that they are deep in the mind.  They are crucially important in dealing with immediate threats from wild animals and other hostile humans.

In a society which is not involved in actual war, they are harnessed in a longer time scale and amplified with the urge to fix things, find out more and more information, to solve problems, to win struggles and competition.  

So those people who are most successful and rewarded in our society are the people who are best at searching for answers and fixing things.   

And it is precisely those people who often find it hardest to process a death because the crucial and unbearable fact is that there is no fixing; there is no escape from the fact, there is no victory and no solution once a death has happened.

This is deeply unfamiliar ground to people whose daily lives consist of fixing and success – not only for themselves in obvious public ways but also in many caring activities for the benefit of others.

“There must be something I can do” is the loud, insistent and persistent voice in the head. People report those thoughts going round and round in their heads, week after week, months after month. Yearning for information and answers as to what might have been different. “If only ….”

It is one of the commonest ongoing sources of distress following a bereavement. People have spoken of “grasping at thin air”.

The resulting bewilderment and frustration are huge and unexpected emotions. And it can turn into anger with themselves.

Simply coming to understand what is happening here can be extremely helpful to people in this situation.

Because crucially these are responses to immediate threats and if the Freeze reflex continues and a person remains in a prolonged and open ended threat response mode, then they are therefore stuck. And therefore blocked from achieving the grief and the acceptance that is the successful outcome in a bereavement; an outcome which can finally allow peace and a return to a normal degree of happiness.

Because a major part of the bereavement process is allowing in that hugely painful reality that a lot of our thinking and feeling is effectively forms of futile activity based on an unspoken delusion that “if we only do something right, then everything will be back to normal.”

Phrasing it like that truly but brutally exposes the degree of delusion – but it is important to respect the fact that it is the safe space for some time for many people. And the question becomes just for how long? And whether someone has got profoundly stuck. And how to come out of it.

And the answer starts here – with an understanding of what is happening emotionally and sharing that understanding with supportive others. (see below for “Grief Companions”)

1.3 An over extended death. This also creates very difficult complications. Maybe it is a situation – in fact a death that has dragged out over month or years. Often it involves hugely complex issues of distress, physical and emotional exhaustion, life being on hold, financial impact and then guilt about thinking about that. Dreading the death but also possibly yearning for it. And then guilt and confusion about that.

1.4. Pain. In either of the two cases above, the level of pain the dying person suffered – the empathic pain the bereaved person will feel in the horror of a sudden or violent death and, in over extended deaths, the extent to which it connects with the mixed emotions which include a wish for the pain to end.

1.5. Suicide. This involves many of the above – often premature, violent, painful, unnecessary and avoidable- endless churning thoughts of what could have stopped it? What we could and should have done? Huge corrosive guilt

1.6. Unnecessary or avoidable death. Medically chaotic and suspicious. Those are triggers for blame ie anger – which often goes down the rabbit hole of action – accusation, complaint, legal action. Or self blame. Guilt that can eat a person up.

1.7. Uncertainties. What was the cause of death? The yearning for information. The delays in waiting for medical or police reports or for the inquest. Even if in cases where the cause was obvious, the delay prevent prompt, healthy closure of at least one aspect of the loss.

The extreme version of that uncertainty is the disappeared or lost person. The open ended agony of hope. And no closure.

Interestingly this can connect with the non-death losses which do not have a clear cut certainty. For example: Losing someone to senility. see above 1.3. The ending of a relationship. This is the death before the death and immensely difficult .

Second: The situation immediately following the death.

It may be best to describe an ideal situation and then compare the one that you are dealing with.

Firstly a death where the problematic issues above are absent but then …

The ideal is for a death where family and possibly friends are closely involved – or as closely as is wished for.

It needs to be stated and repeated: We are social animals and did not evolve to grieve alone.

“Grief Companions” is a useful phrase to refer to people who knew the person who has died and who really understand and can genuinely empathise and feel at least some of the same emotions as those closest and most bereaved. People who can exchange stories or remarks about the deceased person.

An ideal ending would also include a funeral or event where the celebrant knew the deceased and could talk sensitively about them. Where family members and friends were fully involved. And later a gathering or wake where grief companions of varying degrees of closeness could share memories or just be together.

Distribution of property or legacies would go smoothly and without tension or conflict.

This ideal scenario highlights and almost gives a checklist of how things can go wrong in ways that lead to a problematic bereavement which can get stuck for months or years.

Examples are people not being able to be close at the time of the death or soon after. This was very true in covid and can be with very dispersed families or with some need to have a hurried funeral.

Equally family conflicts can prevent many of the aspects of the ideal bereavement, introducing stress and tension at a time when people are hyper sensitive and vulnerable.

Disputes about the funeral, probate or distribution of property can totally sour and compromise a bereavement.

Third: The ongoing situation of the bereaved person and the degree of support they have.

The role of Grief Companions is mentioned above in the context of the immediate aftermath of a death but, to combine it with the realistic time frame also referred to, the question becomes: is there anyone who is there for you in emotional and practical terms for the long journey to normality?

Also consider and acknowledge how the death has impacted including in terms of finance, and lack of other support can truly sharpen the experience of abandonment and loneliness.

Fourth: The emotional state of the bereaved person before the death.

It’s worth looking at this in two time frames. Firstly, the relatively short term issue of the impact that a long illness and decline may have had. There is some exploration of that above but it’s common to hear people say that, after months of hospital appointments and treatments and some progress and then disappointments, the bereaved person is already battered, exhausted and vulnerable. And that needs to be taken into account and that person encouraged to be understanding and compassionate to themselves.

And if that language is difficult for some people, it is often more effective to talk about being more skilful in the process.

And that way of talking and thinking connects unobviously with the second timespan – the longer term issue about the personality of the bereaved person.

As touched on above, for someone who has been dynamic and effective, a problem-solver all their life, the reaction to a death is challenging in a particular way.

People who are strongly and successfully into the searching and fixing reflex very often bring that approach to a death.

“What can be done? How can this be fixed? What was the cause? I need more information. I need to do something. Find someone to blame. Or to sue. Even to spend a lot on the funeral or the headstone or some other memorial. Or to raise money to fight the illness that caused the death.”

And that impulse to blame can turn on oneself – sometimes with explicit and often irrational guilt. An illustrative, extreme example was a client saying of her partner’s death: “It’s my fault – I shouldn’t have let him go to work that day then he wouldn’t have been run over…”

Sometimes for someone who expects things to get better quickly and are impatient, the anger can be directed towards oneself as an unforgiving, critical attitude: “I am just feeling sorry for myself” which has a dismissive tone and can reflect years of conditioning creating the taboo: never feel sorry for oneself.

It can be useful to suggest a re-thinking of that simply as “feeling sorrow for myself” – which is easier to see as legitimate, appropriate and necessary.

The anger and searching for ways to fix things is often automatic and compulsive – which means it is not easily open to rational understanding.

Fundamentally we are talking about the futility of these actions.

But that is brutal and dismissive language and, rather than any rational arguing, it’s often better to suggest that people see the behaviour as symbolic. And legitimately symbolic. And that can be explored and honoured.

However that is not always an easy step for those of us who are more literal minded and not used to respecting the symbolic.   And maybe this is most true of the most effective analysing fixers in our culture? Is that familiar?

Fifth: The relationship the bereaved person had with the one who died.

There is something of a paradox here – as quite often in talking about bereavement.

A straightforward, loving relationship can result in a hugely painful wound. But it can be a clean wound unless there are the complications explored above.

But if the relationship was more tense or even conflictual then there are other complications – often of deep regret that there was unfinished business, the missed opportunity to make peace or achieve greater closeness. Which can result in guilt and uneasiness – which connects with the thwarted need and yearning to fix things.

One of the problems here is the honourable instinct we have to idealise the person who has died and the relationship: “speak no ill of the dead”  and think no negative thoughts about the relationship.

And that is fine for a time but, after a respectful period, it often helps to spell out some of the tensions there were and even the anger that the bereaved person may have had, and may retain,  whether recent or deep rooted.

Mixed feeling are OK and are far less likely to jeopardise the bereavement process if they are acknowledged honestly and healthily.    

So – in conclusion and to return to the introduction and think about the future and what is a good endpoint:

What others have said are the most useful ideas:

1. The realisation that Bereavement is very emotionally complicated and this is normal.

2. Some are particularly hard to deal with and it’s a real relief to understand why.

3. The realism around the timespan and that the reassuring cliche “this too will pass” is only convincing if it’s understood in terms of a year or more of huge pain.

4. To make progress is not betrayal. it is possible to achieve a mellowing of grief and arrive at a calmer and happier place of bitter sweet nostalgia.

If you want another short summary – this is one with accompanying illustration.

https://www.arsenal.com/community/stories/bereavement-service?id=106923&utm_source=arsenaldotcom&utm_medium=share_button&utm_campaign=news

I am tempting fate in writing this in advance of my leaving party. After 44 years as a solicitor, mostly dealing with child abuse and neglect I am stopping legal work and concentrating on my therapy and training practice,.

Leaving parties usually involves speeches – hopefully positive ones – and require some sort of response from the person leaving.

So this is what I would have liked to say. But it was far too long for a party so I hope to give a very abbreviated version tonight and leave this here if anyone were interested.

———————————————– ——————————————

Well – isn’t this brilliant? So many of the very best people in the world, at least the legal world – who just happen to be my favourite colleagues and friends as well as my family – all here together.

As Phil has said he will say, the great thing about being able to attend what looks like your own funeral or memorial ceremony while still being alive is not just that you hear nice things (hopefully) but that you get to say goodbye in person. And, the bad news for you, is that I can take advantage of the situation for a little speech. [which, as explained I am not in fact giving in person, just posting here.] 

So on a positive note, I welcome the opportunity, which is appropriate this evening anyway, to express my admiration and gratitude to my colleagues and indeed to the institutions of the childcare world that I have happily been a part of for decades.

Those are not just empty appreciations. The degree of honourable conscientiousness and painstaking care that is shown in our world is extraordinary. It is all too easy for us to take that for granted. I have found it helpful that it’s apparently almost incredible , unbelievable to some people on the outside – the journalists who accuse us of sinister, secret law or indeed a few clients who have sometimes asked  “How we can bribe the judge?”

Their incredulity that it’s not possible is matched by my shock at that question. And that surely speaks volumes about the unthinkableness of that, which in turn emphasises the extraordinarily high standard of propriety and honesty in our world that we take for granted.

But – how can we simply enjoy this?  How can we be in this situation of privilege, in this this little oasis of decency, when it’s impossible to ignore the horrible situation around us in the world with obvious reference among others to Gaza, Ukraine, Sudan and America.

I have spent a lot of time and thinking looking for ways to balance the two – which I will now inflict on you and ask for  your feedback.  This is open mike time.

The Negative It’s pretty easy to be negative and I am afraid it is necessary. Referring to that familiar and useful diagram below that I won’t be able to use in a live speech – if you look to that outer circle of concern where we are least powerful – the international scene, the climate crisis, we can bring ourselves right down by doom scrolling through the news.  

And even in the circles where we might have some power – in our national politics or local politics , it’s so easy to be very depressed and anxious at the sudden rise of anger, prejudice and the right wing.

So I have needed a few ideas that simply allow me to survive and even to let myself accept and enjoy the positives we do have , the good things in the midst of this chaos:

To adopt one of my advocacy tips. I will say I have developed just six ways of  balancing the negative and the positive. Living with this horrible mixed situation.  

Firstly I am trying, rather than simply blaming those people as ignorant and racist, a more enlightened way it to see their anger as a response to and a comfort for them for deep anxiety and general frustration generated in a hyper-consumerist culture. When the rich and successful and pushed so hard, then disappointment and a general sense of failure is inevitable.

And this feeling of depression and anxiety is pretty universal and I note and try and tune into the extent nationally and internationally  to which those emotions of anxiety and depression are, as so often, turning into anger and blaming – for example in scapegoating immigrants or ethnic groups, in racism and marches and racist riots.

And I try to see the problems as essentially a breakdown in the social contract in which we are all involved.   

That contract is of course the one in which, if the rich and powerful people running the show behave honourably and responsibly, we can reasonably expect, and are more likely to get, more honourable and responsible behaviour from the mass of people.

But for some years now those in power have behaved irresponsibly and corruptly – whether it’s in politics, some people in the church, in the police, in some educational institutions. When the mass of people see that behaviour, which is now more publicised than ever, then the moral authority to tell them and expect them to behave is vanishing. 

Secondly I remind myself that when we ourselves are anxious, we are hyper-alert and we tend to notice and then overload the negative information that’s available and in fact forced on to us. And we can then behave just like the people who anger us, turning our own anxiety into our own anger. And we can and should take responsibility for that.

So thirdly – If  I focus on our oasis of honesty and responsibility, I ask how does it, how can it, connect with this negative picture?  

Well, if I think of that as a chaotic desert, then an oasis can be valuable source, not just immediately of water but of plants and as a seed nursery available for planting and the regreening of a culture.

If that sounds absurdly naive and optimistic, I remind myself of a fact which is also overlooked in our focus on negativity: the fact that social and cultural norms can change more rapidly than we expect and in fact with increasing rate of rapidity.

We have seen a sudden culture change of the ugliest kind with private and public figures coming out with statements of hate and prejudice that would have been almost unthinkable only a year or two ago.  So we live in extraordinarily volatile and changeable times. 

But that cuts both ways. The culture is also capable of extraordinarily quick changes in a positive direction. If anyone in the room is as old as I am, they will remember the time when punishing children physically with accepted and indeed praised. Including,  unbelievably for just being different – things like being left handed.  Or when domestic violence – “wife beating” – was nodded at. When driving when drunk was normal and lethal. And, by way of some cause and effect, when painful emotions and experiences were never talked about and trauma and distress was simply expressed in this heavy drinking and violent acting out.

And a simpler and more tangible example of a brilliant and radical change in attitudes and behaviour is one that we are at this very moment benefiting from. There was a time not so long ago when the suggestion of banning smoking in pubs or public places like this would have been laughed at as an idealistic fantasy. And yet it was introduced without much protest and is almost 100% observed. Positive change is possible. 

And if those are very limited examples, there is in fact growing evidence that many young people are drinking less, taking few of drugs, having fewer irresponsible and unplanned pregnancies, even attending gym and focusing on their personal fitness – but most important perhaps, talking more honestly about emotions and the associated behaviour.

So those are the positives and it might be worth looking at ways in which we can fit in with and ally ourselves with those signs of increased responsibility and honesty.

And I think we are already doing so in every interaction with clients and their experience of the care system, imperfect as it is.

But there’s another ring out from our oasis – in work done by people like the Family Rights Group, Nuffield, NSPCC, many others including Rights of Women and the ALC who are honourably represented here – where those positive and liberal values are championed on a wider or the more political stage.  And is also a huge amount of pro bono and volunteering  work being done. Like anyone who does 100% legal aid?

And,  if we still become demoralised with the inevitable failures of some of our public campaigns, it’s really worth noticing those that have succeeded both with our own legal world and outside.

We would not be standing here it is this room and Covent Garden would not be flourishing in the way that it is if and there wouldn’t be the Market nor ChinaTown if those of us who lived locally 40 years ago had not fought against the GLC plans  They were  planning to extend London Wall through here, through the market, through Gerrard Street to connect up with Piccadilly Circus to create a wonderful Birmingham Bull Ring style city centre.

We did fight against that and we won and we preserved communities in Soho and in Covent Garden (with the help of good old lefty lawyers like Michael Seifert) and the battles continue to be fought and sometimes won in ways that are not sufficiently publicised.

Please look at the excellent posters in the corridors. Especially the role of Jim Monahan, of this parish, whose energy and determination was a major part of the Covent Garden success story. And who is here tonight and whose sons are here tonight – Jimmy, leading the band and Louis, anchoring the bar and our arrangements 

Finally there is the danger of overwhelming exhaustion and demoralisation and I have come to realise that so much of that activism, energy and hope that we need does depend on the personal emotional health and resilience of each of us.

Which is why we now have a commercial break – when I say I have been extremely pleased to run workshops for solicitors and barristers and judges and to hear really receptive and positive messages from the participants. I don’t just call these workshops as being about stress management but refer to them as being about our physical and emotional health. For me that directly connects up with the wider political or social issues and our ability to survive and remain relatively sane in an insane world.

Forgive me if I end with a plug for my own services but it’s something I’ve built up over the last five years and hope to be continuing to offer over the next 25 years – the final 3/4 of my life!

So contact me of you want to talk about this and follow up any of these ideas or if you want a workshop for you place of work. If whether you want any of that or not, then a lot of what I do is on my website which pops up if you google me.

So it’s goodbye for now in terms of legal work and a chance to say: I love the law, I have loved the law, and have deep respect for  the whole child care world. I have loved and will always love my colleagues and of course my family and my lovely and hugely supportive partner, Debby. And I hope to keep in touch and indeed keep busy.

The roving mikes are available for any contributions from the floor!

Emotion intelligence and work gives emotional resilience.

Is this workshop about “Stress management” ? No – that is old and unhelpful language . It’s unhelpful because the word “stress” rolls the objective external problem and challenges up into one opaque bundle. At the same time it rolls the subjective outcome into one opaque bundle. It is worth pointing out that there is no single emotion called “stress”.

Secondly it brings with it implied inevitability. “Law is a stressful job therefore I feel stressed”. Logically that makes the situation pretty hopeless and inescapable.

So it is much more useful and positive to unpack those bundle and see what is really going on.

Objective cause. If we had time or if I come back for another workshop we could usefully together explore, share and acknowledge what are the objective causes. Too much work. Demanding Clients. Billing targets. Deadlines. Fear of making mistakes. FOBIT Fear of Being in Trouble. FOF Fearn of Failure. Nasty judges. And difficult opponents.

And add our own personal pressures – financial, rent levels. Relationships or lack of. And many other individual pressures.

It would be good to spend time exploring those professional pressures and acknowledging them. And to do so regularly. At Miles and Partners we are planning to introduce regular sessions to do just that.

There are some important things that can change – in the office things like better systems, equipment, training, upskilling.

Subjective responses. But today we are digging into the essence of the subjective, the personal- because that is what we can definitely change. Each of us personally and privately.

And that means using powerful language. Labelling.

All the objective work pressures can be seen as challenges. And if we are confident about them and they are within our resources then they can be exhilarating. But if they carry greater demands than our resources then they are threats. That is the aspect that makes us call them Stress.

And labelling it as Threats allows us to look at the subjective responses more clearly as threat responses.

People talk about PTSD and the formula Freeze, Fight, Flight have become familiar. (A more sophisticated development is to notice our Fawn or surrender response) But the one that is overlooked because it is so universal and is generally so useful is the Search response. Our racing minds. And, yes, that is often useful but can also involve panic, overthinking, never slowing down, exhausting.

It can be professionally excellent in spotting the evidence we need to focus on and the arguments that can be made – but it can also be professionally counterproductive – in terms of panic and paralysis – the freeze reflex cutting in.

One manifestation of anxiety is what we can call hyper-vigilance. Super aware of any threat or danger, focusing on every detail, relentless, obsessive, unhealthily perfectionist and basically pessimistic. Expecting things to go wrong. Familiar to anyone?

This is therefore also the perfect formula for a Vicious Circle: some demand or threat causes anxiety. That leads to hyperalertness and pessimism – so we see and exaggerates threats – so we are more anxious. Round and round. It can feel like a trap – a prison even.

Let’s take this seriously. People can get into a very, very unhealthy and unhappy state. Surveys of wellbeing in the legal profession show very widespread, very high levels of emotional distress, desire to give up – even suicidal thoughts.

The Law Society survey was careful to avoid going to deeply into this subject: Their research only included qualified solicitors not trainees: https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/topics/research/the-results-are-in-how-do-solicitors-feel-about-their-profession even there on their business oriented measure: “Over 10% have had at least one day off work due to stress compared to only 4% in 2019. Previously only 1% had taken two-weeks off or more work due to stress, while in 2022 this rose to 5%”

More relevant probably is https://www.lawgazette.co.uk/news/one-in-15-junior-lawyers-has-had-suicidal-thoughts-research-shows/5069907.article

So it’s hugely important and possibly urgent to find the way out. And there is one.

And, even if you are not in an acute stare of anxiety, what is also hugely important is that it can be emotionally damaging over the longer term. Cortisol is the hormone produced by fear. We offset it with adrenaline if we can make the challenge exciting but cortisol remains and it actually rots the brain. Brain scans of people who have survived war experiences showed a certain part of the brain – the hippocampus – as eroded, reduced in volume. And the same is true of people who have had other prolonged trauma ( including adverse childhood experiences but that’s a whole different subject.)

But we do have ways of getting us to calm down – come out of threat response and give the brain a healthier environment.

So let’s look at how we go into threat response and how we already instinctively know how to come out of it – other things being equal. The real problem lies in the fact that we can get stuck in that threat response state.

We will do a couple of visualisations – in fact some role playing, private amateur dramatics firstly to go into an anxious place, note what happens and then note how we come out of it. The we can build on the fact that we already instinctively know what to do and then learn to use that ability consciously and skilfully. We can create emotionally healthy habits.

First story – or visualisation: TVE office outing to the county maybe? We’re in a group on a picnic in a field. Sunny day. Food spread out on a cloth. We are all relaxed and happy.

Suddenly the gate behind us swings open – a bull! It snorts and scratches the earth.

Everyone Gasps. Absolute freeze. We hold our breath. Brains racing to think of the best thing to do…

After a long pause, the bull turns round and goes back into its own field. Someone darts over and secures the gate.

Phew! We gasp out. We all run to the road and the coach. We pile in shouting, screaming, laughing, maybe crying, talking. Sharing. We need to talk. Tell each other what has just happened. And this will continue for quite a long time before we decide what to do next. And given the gate is now secure running to the coach is strictly speaking irrational – symbolic.

Now try that sequence now: Gasp in. Hold for 10 or even 5 seconds. Breathe out – ‘Phew’. Do it a few times.

Comment. This is obviously about the immediate, deep seated, animal physical reactions to danger as it would have been “in the jungle or forests” . The most direct result of an emergency or threat is the holding of the breath. We gasp at the shock of a threat or an attack. It is important to notice that a gasp is a quick inhalation of air.

So before the flight or fight reflex, this freeze reflex had cut in. It is a reflex that cuts in when we are in certain situations. In this example – a very dangerous one with no obvious immediate fight or flight option.

If the bull had attacked then the flight and flight would have cut in – chaos as maybe some brave people fought the bull and most who ran away. But until that moment, Freeze is appropriate.

And the freeze reflex involves holding the breath for as long as this situation continues. In the wild this freeze reflex has the survival function of making a person or animal less noticeable; reducing movement – even chest movements. It also reduces sound and reduces scent emission. It engages the Sympathetic Nervous System. Ready for action. Again, Google and research that if you like,

Certainly it allows a person to hear much better. When you think you hear a burglar at night, the breath holding reflex allows you to listen much more acutely.

It may have also a function of pressurising the lungs and driving oxygen into the blood stream ready for fight or flight.

Crucially for longer term states it also prolongs the hormones in the blood stream – the cortisol, adrenalines and others – the cocktail of hormones needed for fight and flight.

Endocrinology text books talk of adrenaline being metabolised (ie removed from the body) by the lungs. Other hormones are reduced by movement.

But we need those emergency hormones to continue for as long as the danger continues. So we freeze and hold our breath to prolong the hormonal level. This is significant later as we will see.

And note the action required to come out of that state: It is both quite extreme and also quite extended.

It involves 1. the physical act of breathing openly, making the ‘phew’ sound, the instinctive use of laughter, shouting, crying, loud voices.. That engages the Parasympathetic Nervous System – again research will show you the beneficial hormones that are released including oxytocin – the hormone that encourages bonding and affection – to others – and to ourselves?

And 2. the need to talk, to share the experience. To acknowledge what happened and how awful it was. To get acknowledgement from others about the reality. 3. Some symbolic behaviour – acting out.

I suggest you run through that sequence again this time being more aware of exactly what is happening – but also acting it out in a heartfelt way. Maybe repeat several times later until the idea is absorbed deeper into the mind than just the reasoning, verbal bit.

Second story or visualisation: A longer one. More modern, social stresses.

After that terrible experience TVE agrees to pay for a week in the Algarve for everyone and a partner or friend. So now we are individually going on holiday.

But… the traffic on the way to the airport is bad, we are nearly late, the plane is delayed, the seats are wrong, there is an obnoxious drunk in the next seat, the airport has long queues, the customs people are rude and threatening, the taxi drive to the hotel is long and hot…..

And all the time we keep control, verbally. It would not help to moan or to shout at the traffic or the customs people etc. And physically – we hold our breaths. Well – not entirely of course. Maybe it’s better to say we are holding back our breath. In fact we breathe in a shallow way, using just the top of the lungs. Shallow, upper chest breathing.

All this time – maybe four or five hours – we are not aware that we are holding back our breath.

We get near the hotel and through gritted teeth we say that the hotel will probably be an unfinished building site – ie we are in a negative mindset.

Finally we arrive. In fact the hotel is delightful, the room is lovely. We put our bags down and say ‘Thank Goodness we’ve arrived’ and gasp with relief and laugh and make repeated ‘phew’ sounds and our shoulders come down from around our ears. And now we can talk and say how awful it was.

And this will probably continue for an hour or so. We will return to it later, we will want to tell other people about it. We want to share the information and preferably to have people sympathise and agree how awful it was. We may want to do some actions – write a letter to the tour company or airline etc. We may want an explanation for the delay and an apology.

Try that now. Shallow breaths, using just the top of the chest. Be aware of it for 5 or 10 seconds. Then – let the breath out properly. Again: ‘Phew’ or ‘haaaahhh’.

There is a simple trick I will show you for the full exhale: Put the palm of your hand in front of you mouth . Pretend it is a mirror. Breath on it as if to steam up that mirror. Open mouth, open throat. Long slow out breath. Really slow. Empty the lungs. Then breathe into the stomach. Repeat a few times.

Do it now reading this. Possibly stop and let this idea and this action soak in deeper.

Comment:.

In this second story the need is for freeze as social self-restraint. It highlights how this self-control and the necessary breath holding can continue for hours – without the people concerned being very aware of it.

To come out of that emergency mode, the need is again for physical relaxation – breathing openly to disperse the hormones – and for the sharing of the experience. And we are usually able to do that instinctively, automatically.

So to repeat something that is more relevant for us as lawyers – Freeze and breath holding can be about social self-restraint.

Freeze becomes a form of self-inhibition, pretence – socially necessary self-control.

This situation of social self-restraint freeze, breath holding can last for much longer – months or even years. So it is a deeply entrenched habit – and to challenge and change that is seriously hard work. Which we are starting today here: Current short introduction to reducing stress. which leads to No time for Yoga?  Not enough room for Yoga at home? and Breathing, Stretching and Bending – the essence of Yoga. Standing poses that you may actually do regularly.

The idea is that a one off workshop like this can only plant a seed – a plan to change habits. How you do that is certainly a subject for each of us and for the firm itself.

If you want to go deeper into why we find the work stressful and why we have chosen to do this work try reading Why are we so stressed? Why are we family lawyers anyway?Article in the Christmas Edition of Family Affairs, the journal of the Family Law Bar Association If you are feeling strong and serious about the issue.

David

Rough first draft.

I’m encouraged to draft a note about this subject because I have heard from a number of people that some of the most valuable and memorable aspects of their therapy work have been disclosures that their therapists have made about themselves.

Following the occasional and tentative self-disclosures that I have offered, there has been positive feedback from clients.

Equally I am aware that there is there are great reservations about this and potential dangers which I want to explore and work on.

Those reservations perhaps also need to be understood in the context of the history of psychotherapy, starting with Freudian psychoanalysis which was very much founded in a medical model where the therapist was seen as a doctor and the client was seen as a patient.

The result was great inequality and a convention that the analyst remains distant and opaque. Indeed eye contact was excluded by the tradition of the patient in the couch.

One justification for that was that it encourages the patient to engage in transference which discloses important information about their relationship with authority figures, most obviously their parents.

I come with a far more humanistic approach – engaging face-to-face with clients and explicitly avoiding the inequality of the medical model.

I prefer instead to offer a model or analogy of a personal trainer with physiotherapy skills and experience who can help to identify strengths and weaknesses and then work alongside somebody in terms of what would be useful. And the client is comfortable, in fact encouraged, to know that I am also engaged with emotion work in the same way that a gym trainer would be engaged with ongoing physical exercise.

So my rule is to build rapport and the more egalitarian, humanistic therapeutic relationship and trust first and only use self disclosure if it really is useful for the client and the process.

So, given that it is necessary to start with using that humanistic and level approach, I do so in various ways:

1 . First I explain my way of working before we even start, as outlined above.

2. I often start a session by asking “What do you think is the best use of our time? Do you have some issues you want to start with? Maybe something urgent?”

I add that this question and approach would not useful if it adds stress and I can make suggestions as to how we work – as much or as little as asked for. And I later repeat this and also say it can change.

3. I invite feedback and guidance. I acknowledge that all clients are different and some may want a session to be more directed and others hate that. There’s no right or wrong way to be a therapy client.

Occasionally I discuss the process – during and after a session – maybe at the start of the next session. “How did the last session work for you?” Or “Was the session useful?”

4. I apologise if necessary. For example I’ve said “Sorry – that may have been too much theory … “

Coming to the issue of Self disclosure: it is therefore only in the context of that humanistic approach, building rapport with quite a high level of equality, that the issue of self disclosure arises.

I check my motivation. Watch out for unconscious or semi conscious motivation: If self disclosure is for my benefit, then take to my own therapy. Is it trying to impress? Point scoring? Status? Ingratiating myself? Is it genuinely only for the benefit of the clients and our work?

Negotiate / agree about self disclosure. Make the issues explicit and subject to the same openness to feedback and discussion.

So – rather than starting with autobiographical information I focus on and start from current techniques starting with resources rather than more personal stuff: “What I find useful”. Ideas. Books. Courses. Podcasts. TED talks. Lectures. Films. Music.

Then – more personally: my practice – Breathing, Stretching and Bending. Walking. Especially under trees. Dancing. Singing.

Or eg”I find journaling useful. “. And explain.

I sometimes mention that I’m in therapy. “As all practising therapists should be” – which is a phrase which offsets the alarm that a naive client might have. And does achieve a levelling effect.

There is an issue about disclosing personal situation. I may mention that I’m a solicitor dealing with child abuse cases because it seems a bit artificial not to mention that since it’s public information. I also don’t conceal nor do I emphasise the fact that I’m married and have two children and some grandchildren.

Obviously that can be very sensitive if for example a client is struggling with not having a relationship or is unhappily childless.

I’m comfortable to say that I’m going on holiday. Or if I’ve been ill.

Then any further details will depend on the relationship of rapport and trust that had grown up between us – which will in turn reflect both the personality and experience of the client and the length of time and the depth of our working.

That may lead on to the personal disclosure which can be more or less explicit. “I use this technique because I need to loosen up. Discharge tension”. Or “I’m working with quite a lot of anxiety …”

Then check that is acceptable and useful.

And, if and only if useful, explain very carefully some background reasons which may be (a) current situation. (b) historic.

Then the issue is degree of detail.

Eg. (a) Currently. “Because I am anxious about the health of a parent. ” or “worry about world events” With no more detail.

(b). “I had some conflicts or adversity in my family of origin.”

Discuss and negotiate if that was or is useful. And if detail would be useful.

I think it’s important to acknowledge that the non-explicit reality is that people can sense if you share some history or some experiences. Simply the tone of voice in which I say “yes I do understand” can let people know for example that I had a similar bereavement or similar childhood experience without giving any actual information.

That may trigger them asking questions and then I suggest that the decision has to be based on the discussion outlined in this note so far.

Unfinished draft.

 I would like to offer the perspective of this very short, 10 minute series of exercises. Carried out several times a week, ideally every day, this is a very acceptable substitute for full yoga sessions. 

10 minutes every day amounts to over an hour a week and the benefit is spread throughout the week.  And you are not paying money, travelling or being self-conscious. And you can really listen to your body and what you need – rather than what the yoga teacher reckons everyone in the class needs.

My practice is entirely using standing poses – so the slight resistance that someone might have to acquiring and then using a yoga mat is removed. It’s also possible, weather permitting, to do it outside much more easily than floor exercises. 

My understanding of the essence of yoga is that it is the form of undoing the freeze reflex that we all get into in the presence of tension, anxiety.  

The classic response to threat or problems is usually described as the Fight and Flight reflex but in fact the Freeze response comes first and often continues chronically in two ways –  shallow breathing and very poor, tense physical posture.

And these two pieces of behaviour don’t just reflect anxiety and stress but in fact lock us into that anxiety, perpetuating the state and creating something of a trap. I see yoga as focused on both those aspects – improved breathing and muscular loosening by stretching and bending.  

Recent research has highlighted the fact that a frozen body state is not just held in the joints and muscles but in the fascia –  “Fascia is a thin casing of connective tissue that surrounds and holds every organ, blood vessel, bone, nerve fibre and muscle in place. The tissue does more than provide internal structure; fascia has nerves that make it almost as sensitive as skin. When stressed, it tightens up.

Although fascia looks like one sheet of tissue, it’s actually made up of multiple layers with liquid in between called hyaluronan. It’s designed to stretch as you move. But there are certain things that cause fascia to thicken and become sticky. When it dries up and tightens around muscles, it can limit mobility and cause painful knots to develop.”

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/muscle-pain-it-may-actually-be-your-fascia

 So there is this additional scientific evidence base for the value of simple stretching and bending. There is also evidence that most of the now familiar elaborate yoga poses with impressive Sanskrit names are in fact not the classic, quite simple yoga poses but were imported by western gymnasts in the 20th century. Search Mark Singleton – Yoga Body.

If I may share my own routine: 

I start with breathing. The essence is not so much pumping large amounts of air in and out of the lungs as exploring the opposite of the startled, held breath that is triggered by anxiety. 

I am not quoting ancient yoga wisdom when I tell you about Sister Act 2, when Whoopi Goldberg calms down her panicking school choir by telling them to “yawn!”  After some protests they do that and they find that their anxiety levels drop radically and immediately. 

All we are doing when we yawn in that way is to open our throats and exhale fully. 

If you want some science, that triggers the parasympathetic nervous system which helps to reduce the anxiety hormone cortisol and releases the feel-good hormones of serotonin and even the prosocial hormone oxytocin. 

Quite a good result from such a simple action? 

One of the aspects of holding the breath is that we breathe mainly with the top of our chests – so the other aspect is to breathe into the belly fully – and then the chest – and then maybe pause ….. before breathing out fully – like the yawn and empty the lungs completely. 

It may be a good idea to do that sitting down because you can get quite dizzy initially because you may not have used your lungs that fully for some weeks – unless you do aerobic exercises 

After maybe 10 of those breaths, I start the stretching and bending aspect. I start at the top of my body with my jaw which I loosen with wide opening and then side to side movement. 

Rolling the head is really important because so much of the startled body language of stress is reflected in the strange angle that we hold our heads. 

Bending it right forward and pulling it slightly with hands on the back of the head stretches the muscles and the facia in the neck and shoulders that control the head angle. Tipping it right back also has real benefits.  

The classic neck rolling is effective. I find that shaking the head does something really interesting. It seems to trigger off  a sensation of childish, angry defiance. Just like children do when they do not want to be fed at the table. A great way of embracing the inner sulky child that we may all need to give more voice to. 

Shoulder rolling is pretty obvious because when we are tense, our shoulders tend to come around our ears.  

Shoulder joints can get quite stiff and I enjoy swimming movements at this stage which have a great advantage of my not getting wet. Crawl and the butterfly and even the backward butterfly are really quite safe in the living room. 

The lower back seems to be a real focus point for anxiety and is a huge medical problem for western cultures. Forward bends are pretty good and there is no need to let the hamstrings limit the stretch. The slight bending the knee allows a better bend in the back.  Conventional yoga gets people to go into poses and hold them for a few seconds. That is not adequate to stretch out and change the entangled state of the fascia. Try “yin yoga” style holding the posse for a minute – or two – or three.. I do my yoga to my favourite music and that makes it much easier to hold poses for quite a long time.

The pelvis is really where the tension lies and some over-controlled western cultures are  notorious for having frozen pelvises. 

Hulahoop, and slightly embarrassing movements of thrusting and twerking are really great for loosening up the pelvis and lower back and preventing back problems. (Twerking yoga? You heard it here first.) 

I feel that my legs do not get much attention in this routine but then we do walk a great deal so hopefully that makes up for it.  

Happy to have feedback.       David J

This is based on the note for the workshops I ran each morning at one of the Annual Conferences of the Association of Lawyers for Children

Are you by any chance feeling stressed?!

And does that show first with your restless anxious mind: Looking for answers? Looking for problems? Exaggerating problems? Overthinking? The racing mind?

And then also, in your body – with shallow breathing and a tensely held body?

If so, the crucial and unobvious secret is this: that stressed body feeds back to the mind. And worse, it makes you more anxious and more sensitive to stress. So it all becomes a vicious circle or a loop that can make you feel trapped.

You can try and work on this through therapy and counselling – talking and thinking. And I think that is very valuable.  

But / And you can also see that body work like yoga is also very valuable: By undoing those physical stress symptoms we can reduce the level of emotional distress; escaping the vicious circle, the trap. And this gives much more instant benefits.

First address shallow breathing: Most of us use shallow, upper chest breathing. With throat half closed.

Answer: Open the throat. A very simple exercise: Pretend to steam up a  mirror as you breathe out. Yawn. Sigh.

Then breath in – first to the belly. Then to the chest: stand or sit up taller, stronger, more confident. Then again, the long slow open throat out-breath. Shoulders go down. You are relaxed.  Strong and relaxed. A great combination.

Secondly the tense body:  The stress in the body is held in the joints, muscles and also in the fascia – a subject that Pilates and other disciplines have long known about, but which is now becoming more mainstream.

Fascia is the network of fibres under the skin, over the muscles and around the organs which we are beginning to understand is highly significant. And when the body is held in stressful tension, then the fibres can become unhealthily sticky, entangled and rigid.

And that can generate inflammation which has huge complications including emotional ones, Inflammation throughout the body has serious implications especially with autoimmune problems.

Stretching the fascia therefore has huge benefits, far beyond simply improving flexibility. It may well be the secret of the fact that Yoga is more than just a physical routine but has significant emotional – they would say spiritual – benefits.

Yoga can be in a paid-for class with others, all following the same routine, often with a degree of self-consciousness.  Or it can be at home, private, free, a flexible series of exercises listening to what your body needs at that moment. 

I do my very simple Breathing, Stretching and Bending exercises each morning before breakfast and maybe it is a form of yoga you could take home and do every morning?

It is just standing poses. No mat required. No special clothing. No elaborate or difficult poses. Just Breathing, Stretching and Bending. And therefore reduced stress.

Elements of my simple routine are below. It’s not a set routine – it’s pick and mix for what my body needs that day.   

Breathing, Stretching and Bending – the essence of Yoga. Standing poses that you may actually do regularly.

David Jockelson  https://davidjockelson.com/